Last January I wrote “Five Ways to Pretend You’re Smart.” This January, I thought I’d balance that out for the millions of people out there who long to be seen as the idiot. I have discovered the following techniques to be extremely effective. Gird your loins with them, my friends, and one day you too will be held high among the esteemed Village Idiots in our midst.
1. Allow “like” To Inhabit a Huge Percentage of Everything You Say. Let me hasten to say this is not in the context of you indicating you favor something such as “I like pizza” or “I like pink bunny rabbits hopping through a field of blue flowers.” No, rather it’s, like, totally, like, shyeah. It’s, like, like that, totally. It is especially effective if you use it conjunction with other preteen street lingo like “totes adorbs” or just “totally.” (As in my example, this last is in more common idiot usage and probably more effective). Throw in a few “literally”‘s while your at it, but that’s optional.
Word of warning: For this method to work, you absolutely must sell it. You can so often tell when a smart person is just saying these things in mockery. Say it with a straight face and without batting an eye in the context of everyday conversations and texts. Say it like you mean it, like totally.
2. Constantly Correct People Without Knowing Anything About Whatever They’re Talking About. I have seen this done very, very well by people who make online comments concerning articles without actually having read the article. I admire these persons greatly. They are without a doubt high masters of the fine art of looking like an idiot. But this practice is certainly not limited to cyberspace. That is only one face. There are a multitude of real world platforms on which to display this form of idiocy and it is very often used. In fact, studies show that this breed of idiocy inhabits approximately 86.5% of all conversations in the world at any given moment. Goodly Barney Fife comes to mind as a prime example of the variety of idiot-pretending I am talking about here. By the time of season two of the Andy Griffith Show, he had perfected the art of speaking with authority on things about which he knew nothing. He was a particularly good idiot on the subjects of parenting and history. Follow his example! He definitely knew what he was doing.
9. Conveniently Forget How to Count.
4. Use Punctuation as Randomly and Incorrectly as Possible. =&If you do this. you should make sure you rarely happen to place a punctuation correctly? Or dont even use it all where it should be used a…really good;;ex,am?ple of this is one.!in which—what you are actually!./trying to say..is almost[[[[indecipherable bec’:ause of the v.ast was/?teland of,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,misu#sed punctuation and symbols)
Punctuation. You must confront punctuation. Only then an idiot will you be.
5. The Super Duper Ultimate Secret Weapon – If none of those previously mentioned techniques work for you, here’s what you do: Hike up your britches to just over the hill of your jelly mountain. You will definitely need the appropriate elastic legwear for this. Last year Phill ably and rightly pointed out the evils of sweatpants. You can read his very reasoned argument here. However, in this case they have a good use since they are possibly the best idiot elastic-wear. But pajama bottoms or some other type of elastic legwear will usually work well. Everyday pants won’t do the trick. For me, my jeans only come up to my bellybutton which only serves to make you a halfhearted idiot. But the top of a good pair of elastic-wear should rest comfortably in the happy valley between your stomach and your, um, chest. It usually works better if this valley is particularly deep and gelatinous like mine. If you’re one of the poor souls who is woefully slim and trim, I’m sorry. You’ll just have to exercise less and eat more.
On the other hand, if you are blessed with a bulbous belly and the aforementioned deep happy valley, this should work well for you. From there its easy. Just walk around with a stupid grin and a stupider “heydee!” every now and then. Sometimes you don’t have to walk around. Just stand there with your stupid grin. This is what I usually do. Do that and every bloke and blokette in sight of your idiocy is bound to point at you and proclaim, “That thar’s an ijut!”