The REO Guide To Correctly Rate Everything
If people were to give short descriptions of the REO staff, the most commonly used words would undoubtedly include: Intelligent, humble, attractive, and servant-like hearts. Our new, reoccurring feature will incorporate a few of those words to full effect. In “The REO Guide To Correctly Rate Everything”, we will share from our vast stores of wisdom in an effort to make your life better. We do this for you because we care. And because it’s who we are. When we see the unwashed masses living unfulfilled and uninspired lives, we can do nothing but help. When we see pain and suffering, we view it as our divinely instituted responsibility to salve those wounds. That’s why we’re different than all those other websites out there. We can sense the slightest human suffering. We sense it even now. Our hope is that the following comparative analyses will serve you well in reaching all your goals and realizing all your dreams. And to save you the trouble when you have finished this article, you are most welcome.
Overrated – The first 25 minutes of Family Feud. Let’s be honest the questions are dumb and the answers are even dumber. It appears that the producers find 100 people hanging around outside a Florida Georgia Line concert and ask them questions about sex or bodily functions. They give some of the most ridiculous answers imaginable and the poor families attempting to “Play the Feud!” are clueless. Hasn’t Steve Harvey been through enough?
Underrated – The last 5 minutes of Family Feud. Then something magical happens. One family attempts to win the big money. Two family members are chosen. They don’t hear each other’s answers and they are not allowed to duplicate them. The questions are interesting and cover a wide variety of topics. The clock is ticking which leaves no time for silly overreactions to the questions. It is a tight, suspenseful, well produced segment of television. Steve Harvey and his mustache bring it all together for the viewer at home.
Underrated: The Semi-colon. As far as I’m concerned, this dude is whole-colon. A more elegant punctuation mark cannot be found. As old Ben Kenobi would say it is “an elegant weapon for a more civilized age.” (Few people realize that lightsabers were actually intended as metaphors for, you guessed it, semi-colons. The S.C. is a lightsaber pointing downwards.) It is not as commonly used as a period or comma—and that’s probably a good thing. Used too frequently, it can lose its original elegance and make you just look like your trying way too hard to look smart.
Overrated: Using semi-colon as an emoticon. You may have seen a semi-colon followed by the right side parenthesis. This makes it look like a sideways winking smiley face like this ;). Cute, eh? WRONG! This is no way to treat this king of punctuation. You are throwing it out into the soiled street of social communication and treating it like garbage. What next? You want it to strip and bare its colon before the world? I’m having none of it. You can take your LOLs and I LUV U 4EVRs and all that. I’m going home; and I’m taking the punctuation with me.
Underrated: Cristobal Colon. This was the Spanish name of Chistopher Columbus, which he adopted after becoming a citizen of Spain. The name of Christopher Columbus has fallen in recent years because of his ill-treatment of Native Americans. While I realize Columbus wasn’t a perfect person—far from it—if we only recognized perfect people, we would only be celebrating Jesus. He was the only perfect human being; the rest of us are flawed to varying degrees. Besides, Cristobal Colon wasn’t all bad. Inside sources who I just made up say he was a frequent user of semi-colons in everything he said.
Overrated – SweeTARTS. There is nothing terrible about SweeTARTS. They are sweet. And tart. But, as I like to keep things at all times, I have to be honest and open. I have struggled with heartburn, or GERD, for most of my life. And SweeTARTS come across as a slightly tastier version of your typical antacid. A little sweeter and a little tartier. I don’t want my candy to remind me of my digestive issues.
Underrated. SweeTARTS Mini Chewy. Now we are talking! You get the sweet. You get the tart. But you get it all in a tiny, chewy, delicious little candy bomb waiting to explode in your mouth. These little jokers are insanely addictive and I am a little ashamed how many I can put down in one sitting. Scratch that. I am not ashamed at all. I eat them all. ALL OF THEM.
Overrated – Political rants on Facebook. Let me be clear, I am not talking about sharing a political article or video on Facebook. That can be very annoying too, but sometimes I come across something I would not have otherwise read because someone was willing to share. I am talking about people who are constantly posting rants about whatever is bothering them that day with our country. You are not changing anyone’s mind with your wisdom. More than likely you are angering your friends who disagree with you and annoying those who actually happen to agree.
Underrated – Recipes on Facebook. I love watching the time lapse videos that make everything look so quick and easy. I love seeing the finished product that looks so delicious. I love sending the recipes to my wife hoping that maybe, just maybe she will be willing to make them for our family. I would never have known the joys of Crab Rangoon dip if not for someone taking the time to share.
Also Overrated – Recipes on Facebook where cauliflower is a main ingredient. I am somewhat ashamed to admit that more than once I have seen a recipe video as I scroll through my news feed and thought to myself “that looks amazing!” Then the bait and switch happens. I start the video over to get the full picture of what the recipe is all about only to realize after a few seconds that cauliflower is the main or at the very least a prominent ingredient. I then erupt into a profanity laced tirade.
Overrated – Doctor Strange. Before you comic book nerds angrily adjust your glasses and straighten your pocket protectors, I like the film. I really do. I think it’s a fun, interesting movie. I think the acting is good, the special effects are solid, and the story is compelling. But…Rotten Tomatoes has it rated as the fourth best Marvel film in the Cinematic Universe, with a 90% rating. It’s ahead of Captain America: Winter Soldier, which is crazy. I have high hopes for the character and future films, but as an introductory film, it does a poor job of establishing its own rules, explaining the use of magic in the film, or helping the audience understand why things happen the way they do on screen when magic is being performed. Instead, we are left to simply stare, blank-faced, at the screen as all the shapes and colors swirl and move.
Underrated – Thor. Speaking of Rotten Tomatoes, this film only got a 77% rating. First of all, it took a lot of grief for forcing too many connections to the bigger Marvel world into its plot – something most of the recent Marvel films do much more often yet they get no criticism for it. Thor had to be the guinea pig. It had to lay the groundwork for the rest of the world-building Marvel wanted to do. It did it mostly with style and grace and gave Phil Coulson some of his best MCU moments. (The Hawkeye inclusion is a bit pointless.) Thor was also criticized for it’s climax on Earth being too small scale, yet large scale mayhem is one of the most lambasted comic book movie plot points according to the “experts.” Which is it critics? Do you want entire cities destroyed or not? If not, then shut up about the small town in New Mexico serving as the staging ground for the face-off with the Destroyer.
Overrated – Chick Fil A Waffle Fries. It appears that people either love or hate these monstrosities. I guess the readers have figured out that I am in the hate camp. That is not completely true, I don’t hate CFA waffle fries, I just happen to correctly believe that they are some of the worst fries in fast food. They get cold so quickly that by the time you have eaten two the rest of your order is the temperature of Narnia under the rule of the White Witch. They are so plain and lacking in flavor that you have to use obscene amounts of CFA sauce just to swallow them. That sauce is better served complementing a delicious chicken sandwich.
Underrated – Pollo Tropical Waffle Fries. It is possible to make a great tasting waffle fry and Pollo Tropical is proof. They are seasoned which immediately makes them better than CFA. They are smaller and therefore crispier and that seals the deal. They combine the best qualities of potato wedges with what we all love about French fries. They are a work of art, but like many great works of art they won’t be fully appreciated in their own time. I weep daily that the Pollo Tropical closest to where I live closed down a few months ago.
Overrated – Closing Paragraphs.
Underrated – Opening Paragraphs. For an exemplary example of such a thing, scroll back to the beginning of this article.
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12 thoughts on “The REO Guide To Correctly Rate Everything”
Guys, I’m speechless…or nearly so. What were we just discussing?
If we were involved, I’m sure it was something amazing.
I’m baffled; no use of a semi-colon in its love paragraph???
My goal was to drown people in the irony. Goal achieved!
Not really. Actually, I forgot.
This is sort of like the “Seinfeld” of blogs…
I agree David. As Seinfeld is the great sitcom of all time, according to many, we are the greatest “blog” according to many*.
*Many can be taken in so many different ways depending on the context. In this case, I am using “many” in regards to those of us that write for REO. Many of us think we are the best. Probably not all of us though.
Actually I was referencing the fact that Seinfeld was a show about nothing… 😉
Gowdy will get what I mean. 🙂
I knew what you were referencing. I chose to turn it around to brag about REO. 🙂
I, for one, am greatly saddened that you opted for a semi-colon emoticon.
Overrated: Mommy Bloggers
Underrated: Rambling Ever On.
Robin wins the “Best Comment of the Day” award!