In Undying Devotion to the Royal Fork
Last February when I related the manifold greatnesses of the mighty spoon, I made fun of the fork a little bit. My forky friends were a little hurt. They wept long and hard right to the tips of their prongy, prong, prongs. Just kidding. I don’t really have any forky friends. That being said, I still love forks. Last year I said that, along with knives, forks have their own superior clique. While this is true, they kind of deserve their superior snootiness. Here are five great things about forks:
The Table Fork is the King of Eating Utensils
At home we have two kinds of eating forks: Table forks and salad forks. I don’t know how or when in the history of my family we picked up the salad forks, but I have grown to greatly loathe them with a deep and abiding hatred. I am convinced that they are Satan’s personal utensil of choice and this is what he uses instead of a pitchfork. A more effeminate utensil than the salad fork has never before graced the table of man. I want nothing to do with its fat, stubby, losery prongs. I suppose they are the proper tool for salads, and there are forks for fish, and there are forks for desert, and there are forks for this and for that. I think there is even a fork combing your hair before dinner. I think. It’s all snooty, pretentious stuff, so I don’t care. Pretentious paupers, all of ‘em. Long live the table fork, I always say, may its prongs always remain long and shiny. May the Man Fork of our hearts ever be true.
The Blue Raja is the Ambassador of the King Fork and His Kingdom
If you are not familiar with the Blue Raja of Mystery Men fame, you are missing out on one of the greatest superheroes of all time. Girded with his spoons and forks, he seeks to rid the world of evil. According to Old Blue, himself his weapon of choice is the trusty fork. In the midst of his busy and daily good guy living and bad person fighting he has ascended to become the perfect ambassador of the forky king and its cutlery kingdom. I will never—never!—forget the immortal words of this giant of forkdom: “May the forks be with us!”
The Royalty of the Special Royal Fork is Nostalgic
About 100 or so years ago when I was growing up we had a very rare fork in our utensil drawer. We called it the royal fork. It was rare because I thought so; and, if something is rare, dude, that makes it way more special. In actuality, it was probably just picked up at Kmart or Sears or something. Anyway, it was extra special to me and my siblings because the handle was all flowery, totally unlike the plain peasant forks that we used every day. There was always loud jubilation and heavy boasting on the part of the happy person who happened to get this prized utensil.
Its Worthy Name Lends itself Beautifully to Several Different Sayings
Some of the greatest sayings in history owe their existence to the fork. I’m looking at you “A fork of in the road”, “fork it over”, and “stick a fork in it.” We have no idea what a great debt of gratitude we owe to this little silver invention. Without it, these sayings (and maybe others) would be forced to use another less effective utensil. It is possible that another utensil could have taken its place, but somehow it seems morally and ethically and confusingly wrong to say “a knife in the road” or “spoon it over” or “stick a ladle in it.”
It is the Finest Eating Utensil Know to Civilized Mankind
Although the spoon and knife are both older, the fork was a much more civilized eating utensil and has been used at the dinner table in some form or other since around 400 B.C. You will notice that normal civilized people these days don’t stick food in their mouths with a knife. (Plus, it’s stupid since you might accidentally stab your tongue.) The spoon is often used for the whole plate/bowl to mouth routine, but the fork is used by grownups most of the time. Most of the time. The modern fork is totally cool if you just want to use your hands like a caveman.
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6 thoughts on “In Undying Devotion to the Royal Fork”
I think this is the funniest Ben yet. I laughed at every paragraph. “A more effeminate utensil than the salad fork has never before graced the table of man.” LOL.
I learn a lot reading after you, Ben. Thanks.
Thanks, guys. I do my utmost to combine humor with the enlightenment of the ages.
Ben’s odes to the fork and the spoon are some of the funniest things on REO.
Can’t wait for the knife!
Thanks, guys. I intend to make my knife Five particularly cutting.