Ranting Ever On: The Bathroom Fairy

Little known fact: Every public restroom in the country has a fairy that likes to get water all over the sink, the mirror, and the floor. I know this has to be a fairy or some other fantastical creature – something magical for sure – because there is no way that a human being could get so much water in so many places by simply washing their hands. It would take a strong, physically fit man with four large buckets and perhaps a garden hose an entire afternoon to create the kind of watery mess that is found in every single public bathroom I have visited. It would have to be intentional…deliberate…and I know there is no man out there that is just so slovenly, so uncouth, so careless, that they would create the second Great Flood by accident.

(Another little-known fact: This fairy is unlike other fairies. It is not small and sparkly. It does not fly. This fairy takes the shape of an adult male. It is usually rotund or perhaps doughy would be the better descriptor. It has the mental faculties of a dazed and confused water buffalo, with none of the charm. It is an odious creature, full of mean-spirited trickery. If you see it in the bathroom, which is extremely rare, do not make eye contact with it or speak to it. If you have something you can throw at it, do so. That will distract it long enough for you to run away.)

So here is my question: Is there a ritual or some magical incantation we can perform that will appease the angry, or perhaps mischievous, bathroom fairy? Does it want a gift of some sort? A sacrifice? Regardless of how we put a stop to this, the important thing is that we put a stop to it.  I am tired of standing at the sink and getting water all over the front of my pants and shirt and looking like I just peed myself. That’s not cool fairy. Not cool at all.

Phill Lytle

I love Jesus, my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, my church, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, 80s rock, the Tennessee Titans, Brandon Sanderson books, Band of Brothers, Thai food, music, books, movies, TV, writing, pizza, vacation, etc...

3 thoughts on “Ranting Ever On: The Bathroom Fairy

  • October 15, 2018 at 9:13 pm

    You make a very good point; we’ve all seen it, and you state it quite eloquently, with just the right amount of humor and righteous indignation. Thanks.

  • October 16, 2018 at 8:37 am

    We’ve definitely all seen it.

    • October 16, 2018 at 8:43 am

      I’ve been in the presence of these mythical creatures several times. Hideous indeed!


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