Media With Horrible Track Record of Prediction Now 100% Confident That God Does Not Exist

In one of the biggest news stories of the week, the same mass media sources that predicted a landslide Democratic win in the 2016 election are assuring the public that God is, in fact, not real.

“We’re really sure about this one” said one reporter for the New York Times, whose car was decked out with “Hillary 2016” and “I’m With Her” bumper stickers. “There’s just no way Stephen Hawking, or we for that matter, could be wrong.”

“Now that we can rest in the knowledge that an Absolute Moral Being does not exist, we can finally focus our attention to fighting for subjective moral issues that we are absolutely, 100% certain are the right thing to fight for,” said another reporter from the Washington Post, who was at the time checking Twitter to make sure she was still on the right side of history.

“Also, we are very much looking forward to huge Democratic gains in November, along with Elizabeth Warren’s successful bid for President in 2020” she continued. “After all, ignorant, bitter, religion-clinging deplorables can only keep focused on complicated political issues for so long.”

Early reports are also coming in that if God’s existence is later proven to be true, Russia is the most likely culprit.

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D.A. Speer

Daniel was raised in the woods of Dickson, TN by a group of elves. He ate lots of turnips and grew up quickly, learned kung fu and mercilessly fought his way through the ranks to become Dickson County's own king of the gnomes. Soon, he grew bored and bid them a tear-filled farewell, then sailed away to Bible college where he met the girl who would become his wife. They got married, had kids, then his family ended up being international missionaries just outside of Tokyo, Japan. He kind of sort of likes gaming, graphic novels, and good podcasts.

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