This is a fictional account of how I sought to have a horn or horns implanted on my head and utterly failed. It is also how I came to realize that that was probably for the best:
1. An authentic narwhal horn, my top choice, was just completely impractical.
I briefly talked with the doctor on the phone concerning my wishes and then met with him in his office a few days later.
Doctor: Okay, your number one choice was an actual ivory narwhal horn, is that right?
Me: Yeah, that’s right. Must be authentic.
Doctor: Mm. Well, you should know its not really a horn, per se.
Me: It’s not?
Doctor: No, it’s a tusk. So basically you’ll have a big tooth sticking out of your head
Me: Oh. Well, that would be different right? How cool would it be to eat with my head?
Doctor: That’s not— Anyway, that’s just for starters. Hunting narwhal just for their tusks is illegal these days and even if it weren’t, you would be lugging a 20-pound tooth on your head. It’s just impractical around.
Me: That makes sense. All body modifications are very practical, I understand that completely.
2. My second choice, an authentic unicorn horn (with its magical powers), was non-existent.
After this bit of dialogue, I sat there dejected, mournful, weeping. All the possible synonyms of sadness, that was me.
Me: Well what about my second choice, then?
Doctor: While that might be interesting, the thing is, they kind of don’t exist.
Me: Oh…Well, that’s not very fair.
Doctor: True. We could form you a synthetic unicorn horn of silicon
Me: I was hoping for a unicorn horn with all of its magical properties.
D: A silicon one is going more of the traditional route and therefore much safer because its tried and true.
Me: That means everyone’s doing it.
D: All of the advanced individuals, yes.
Me: I want to be an X-man, too.
D: Just call me Professor Xavier. I can do anything…but I can’t do real unicorn horns.
Me: And there’s the rub.
3. I decided my third choice, Elk Antlers, was just a stupid idea.
Me: Well, I have one last idea.
Me: Elk horns.
Doctors: Mm, interesting choice. I’m not sure something like that has ever been done yet, but I think we can work with that.
Me: Never been done? Hasn’t Cate Blanchett done it?
D: Uhhh, I doubt it.
Me: I don’t know if that is true. You can clearly see her in that one scene in Thor: Ragnok with elk horn implants.
D: That was the character, Hela, and I’m pretty sure that was just a headdress. Notice she didn’t have the antlers most of the time.
Me: Bogus. That was the main reason I wanted to get them. Without that I would just look like some kind of idiot with elk horns.
Doctor: By the way, they aren’t really horns. They are closely related, but horns and antlers are technically different things.
Me: Wow, not horns. Thanks, doc, you really helped me avoid a real fashion faux pas there. No, all things considered, elk ho–antlers is an entirely stupid idea.
4. I decided I ran too great a risk of either being used as either a hat rack or being mounted on a wall.
D: And look at it this way, now you won’t be used as a hat rack wherever you go.
Me: True that. Nor–now that I think about it–will my head end up mounted on the wall above a fireplace.
D: And why would that happen?
Me: So I’m walking around in the woods, a hunter sees my gangly antlers and–BAM!—I’m on his wall.
D: Quite the woodsman are you.
Me: Me, no way, I hate the woods. Who needs all that sticky, prickly, uncomfortable mess. Why?
D: No reason.
5. In all likelihood, my dream of using said horns as puns wasn’t going to pan out anyway.
Me: (I sighed) Perhaps this is for the best. I really only wanted the horns for puns, anyhow.
Me: Yeah. Like I would point to my horns whenever I said something clever like “It’s a veritable horn of plenty” or “allow me to toot my own horn.” You know stuff like that.
D: You are one wild man, you are.
Me: Thanks. But you know, Doc, I heard one time that if you’re nothing without it, you’ll be nothing with it. I’m going with that.
Me: Thanks for helping me make up my mind, Doc.
D: Glad to do it. Glad to do it. Let me know if you ever have any other body modification needs.
Me: You can count on that. I’m seriously considering a tortoise-shell torso encasement.